


Goodnight, California

by 7thwave



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 13:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17346143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7thwave/pseuds/7thwave
Summary: Jamie and Brienne, both actors, sit across from each other in a bar one night in Edinburgh as the last 7 years of friendship comes to a head.Just a little daydream turned OS as I listened to this song one day.Inspired by the song "Goodnight, California" by Kathleen Edwards.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z92NiX-d-tE(recommended listening before or during reading)Also inspired by my absolute love for Edinburgh and a night I sat in a little pub on the Grassmarket with a couple boys I love.Also inspired by Davos Seaworth/Liam Cunningham. I think he’s the sweetest man. I’d love to grab a pint with him one day.





	1. Chapter 1

 

It had been a long day of shooting, their last one in fact, and everyone had gathered at The Golden Hand, a local pub, to celebrate...and say goodbye. This might be the last time they would see each other for quite some time, and maybe, for some, forever. After 8 long years of shooting a successful TV series, it was going to be a significant loss. They were a diverse group of actors from across the globe who had gathered, worked together, vacationed together, drank and ate together and had slowly become...family.

They took up the entire front section of an old pub in Edinburgh, the one that they had all gathered at throughout the years. Celebrations and birthdays. Quiet intimate chats over a pint. Working meetings where they poured over the newest scripts. Moments of sadness when a loved one had died back home and their shooting schedule didn’t allow a quick trip back. They were indeed a family.

The large half circle booth where they always gathered looked out onto the Grassmarket where tourists and residents alike filled the sidewalks and the lights on the dark street lit up the gothic stone buildings and cobblestone. If they were a family, then Edinburgh had become home. It was, for a lack of a better term, home base, although they had several different filming locations throughout the UK and Europe. But this is where they all gathered every half year to commence the next season of filming.

That night there was much laughter and a few tears, a lot of stories and even more pints. Everyone was excitedly talking about their next projects but also feeling the weight of the goodbyes they would have to say over the next few days, not only to each other but to their temporary home.

Brienne sat across from Jaime, her face was bright, her short blonde hair a little messy from running her fingers through it all night. A nervous habit he had picked up on. Brienne was from California, and it had become his pet name for her. She never asked why but in Jaime’s mind, California was all sun and laughter and light. Just like her.

With her third pint half finished, (Jaime was counting), she smiled as she listened carefully to a story being told at the other end of the table. Jaime tried his best not to stare too long and keep their conversations casual, but it was getting increasingly difficult. With every hour that passed, it was another hour that brought him closer to the goodbye he dreaded the most.

The story told, everyone burst out laughing at the expense of Podrick, which was usually the case. Brienne, eyes laughing, turned to Jaime and he smiled back but it was clear he hadn’t been listening. Her smile faded just slightly but she didn’t take her eyes off him as she tipped her pint and took a small sip. His heart skipped beat.

Davos, one of the older actors who had gladly taken up the role as “father” to their group, saw the interaction between the two. In fact, he had noticed them for quite some time and it was only in the last year that he had finally spoken to Brienne about it. She had hesitated and then, over pints at this very table, spilled everything...everything that she felt and thought and hoped for and feared, and it had been a relief for her to talk to _someone_ about it. Davos was a sweet man and a good listening ear. He would never presume to tell her what to do, but nothing had been resolved and he knew that Brienne feared the worst. That Jaime felt nothing for her except friendship. He, on the other hand, thought differently and something needed to be done. He turned to Brienne who sat beside him.

“Care to dance, my lady?”

“Me?” Brienne set her pint down surprised.

“Well, it’s you I’m lookin’ at so, yes. Come on, Bri. It’s your last chance to boogie with this old man.”

“Boogie? Have I _ever_ boogied with you before?”

“No, but that’s the point! Show me what you got. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Brienne turned to Jaime and grinned, raising her eyebrows in surprise but she laughed and stood and let herself be led to the dance floor. The band was playing a traditional Scottish tune and Jaime smiled and sipped his scotch, quietly watching as Davos spun Brienne around the dance floor. Brienne was a much better dancer than Davos but she didn’t take him too seriously as she let herself be dipped and twirled. She was...beautiful, though. She wore a rose silk blouse, open at the back that billowed as she danced, half tucked into tight jeans. She was a half head taller than Davos and although the character she played was always awkward and stiff, Brienne moved with absolute grace. He cursed himself for his blindness. Why hadn’t he seen how damn sexy she was? Before all this…

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Brienne only stepped onto the set in season two and she had made quite a splash when she did. She was over 6', statuesque, and she filled the room with her presence. Their characters, opposites in all ways, but both warriors, had met early on in the storyline and for an entire season, all their scenes had been shot together. They were travelling across land on foot and so they filmed mostly outdoors, in the Highlands. Brienne had loved it, and had fallen hopelessly in love with the Scottish landscape. Jaime, being from Ireland, was use to the scenery and had taken it for granted most of his life, but he had started to see it again through her eyes and he loved what he saw. She was a romantic, and the romance and beauty of the Highlands suited her perfectly.

Their characters had started to form a bond. Grudgingly. His was pompous and arrogant. Hers was noble and proud. And slowly, through challenges and tragedy, they had found their way to each other, in mind and heart. It was a love story that had slowly grown on it’s viewers and now tugged on the hearts of watchers world wide.

Brienne’s character was gruff, bitter, stoic, awkward, stubborn and at times aggravating. In real life she was warm and charming, endearing and just a bit shy with a wicked sense of humour and a laugh that could light up a room, which was a testament to her acting skills. You would never know the real woman behind the character if you hadn’t met her yourself. Jaime’s respect for her craft had grown enormously. And from the first scene they did together, they got on like wildfire. She was his friend, his “mate”, and they had had the best of times filming together. They had trained for sword fighting scenes, and learned to ride horses together. They had poured over their scripts in this very pub, figuring out the right way to nail a scene, feeling out the temperment of their dialogue and running lines together in their trailers over wine and scotch. He had laughed at her antics until he cried and then wondered why he felt this empty space every time he went home to Cersie, his long-time partner of 15 years. He put it down to the intensity of the situation, working together for a steady six months with people who had become his good friends. When it was time to head back to Scotland for another season of shooting, though, he couldn’t wait to get back with his people, his family.

It had created tension with Cersie, though, and Jaime regretted that. Not that things had been great between them when he was offered the part. They had already been feeling distant. They had met when he was in acting school and she was a young manager in her father’s Ironworks Corporation. 9 years ago, she had taken on the position of CEO after his death. She had found Jaime a high-ranking position, alongside her, but he found early on that it didn’t suit him. Corporate takeovers and backroom deals never sat right with him. To Cersie, this was the attainment of all her dreams and she reveled in it. It had changed her, though. Her drive and push for more power made Jaime shrink from her. He tried to support her in any way he could, but he had also been feeling lonely and a bit out of sorts. It was clear it was a world where he didn’t belong. Jaime’s dream had always been as an actor. He quit the corporation, which drew a lot of bitterness and criticism from Cersie, but he landed a role in a TV series that had a small cult following. Unfortunately, it had ended after the second season. Not enough interest, they said. And so he took up smaller roles in movies, did a few commercials, but nothing had felt like The Role. The one that would define him as a serious actor and launch him into the spotlight, the one where he could choose the roles he wanted to play.

Now, after 8 years in this role, he finally felt he had achieved that. He was getting serious offers from major movie producers and had starred in a couple of them between seasons that challenged and stretched him. Roles where he felt he could really use his skills. But it had come at a price. Cersie’s career took her around the globe, spending much of her time in New York. He had invited her to the set several times to meet his friends and see firsthand where his passion lay. Unfortunately, after the first visit, which had been awkward and uncomfortable, and which she had cut short, she hadn’t returned. Now they lived as strangers, only getting to know each other again in the times inbetween. They had both felt it, but rarely talked about it. They had been deeply in love in those early years but they had also been young. Now, it seemed her bitterness over his “dissersion” of her had grown and much of their time together was spent snapping at each other and arguing over the smallest things. Jaime was tired but loyal, some would have said to a fault. He had been given many invitations and opportunities from some beautiful women he had worked with but he hadn’t been interested. Not to say that there hadn’t been plenty of lonely nights where he had been tempted but Jaime’s loyalty ran deep. And Cersie knew it. Had she been that loyal back? He honestly didn’t know but it’s something that he didn’t like thinking about. Jaime loved only one woman at a time, and had his entire life. It was just his way.

That had all changed now.

It’s not like his feelings had grown over the years and he had to very purposefully think and work his way out of them. He simply didn’t recognize them until it was too late.

In the show’s last season, their characters’ lives had crossed again and come together. The circle had completed and the natural conclusion had been an admission of love. It was a beautiful tale of an untypical romance and he had to admit that he had gotten caught up in it. He had been having dreams about her, so unlike him that he woke up and had to fight to clear his head enough to walk back onto a set with her and not let it affect him and his work. Again, he shook it off and explained it away with the proximity of their working spaces.

Until their first on-camera kiss. Not usually a big deal for him. He was a professional and with lights and cameras in your face, it was hard to feel anything when you were counting seconds, trying to hold your position and not block the camera angle. It was all very technical stuff. Very little room for allowing yourself to get lost in a moment. He had kissed plenty of actresses, some of them quite good at it, in fact, but his technique had always been to picture Cersie in his mind and the rest had played out as it should. Scene over, next script.

Their scene was to be filmed at night, after a big battle so he had all day to think about it. And he had to admit, it unnerved him. Brienne had come onto set a little off as well, it seemed. She wasn’t her usually bubbly self, teasing him or telling him a joke under her breath, forcing him to painfully hold in his laughter while watching others on set. She had put him into more trouble that way then he cared to admit. But today, when she emerged from makeup and wardrobe, something was off and it made him wonder.

He threw her a questioning look but she pasted a smile on her face and turned to talk to another actress beside her. Confused, he decided that today of all days, they needed all their natural chemistry to pull this off or it would end up being a long and grueling night of take after take. Jaime walked up to her and whispered in her ear.

“So I had this crazy dream last night that the writers decide to kill you off today. Have you...heard from them? Hmmmm. Probably nothing.” He crossed his arms and tapped his lips with his index finger and looked at her sideways.

This late in the season, rumours flew of characters being killed off and it had everyone on edge. Scripts were only given out a few days before filming to keep the leaks out of the press so every time someone received a new script, they frantically scrolled to the back page to see if they had made it. So far, both Brienne and Jaime’s characters had survived the worst of it, but changes were being made last minute. No one really knew when their last day would be and most actors were naturally superstitious.

Brienne turned to Jaime, her blue eyes wide and she shoved him hard enough to put him off balance, to the great delight of Jaime.

“That’s not funny, you bastard!” She laughed. “You MUST be dreaming ‘cause that would _never_ happen. You know my character’s stronger than yours. You would be the first to go, and you know it.”

Still, she looked around her to see if she was indeed being watched by the writers or producers, only to be dragged into a last minute meeting with them. It had happened before, they had both seen it. Jaime laughed out loud at her nervous apprehension.

“Don’t worry! I shouldn’t tease. Not today, anyway.”

“And why not today?”, she tried to sound casual. It was just any other day, right?

“You kidding me? This is it, my friend! One of our last scenes together. You’re going to have to dig deep to outshine me.”, he grinned at her.

“You really are a wee slimy bastard, you know that, right?”, she looked sideways at him, smiling herself.

“Well, not so wee, or so I’m told.”

She rolled her eyes and gave him another shove.

 _There_ , he thought. _She’s back_.

“Actors on set!” someone yelled,

“You ready, California?” He held out a fist.

“I’m ready.”, she replied as her fist fell on his, as they did for all their scenes, and walked onto set together.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Brienne’s nerves were indeed jangly that day. For good reason. Unlike Jaime, she had been well aware of what was going on between them and had been fighting it for years, to no avail. She remembered the exact moment she knew. It was the time they grabbed a bottle of wine and a blanket and went out into a field full of heather and had rehearsed their most intense scene, a scene where Jaime’s character breaks from his usual pompous attitude, and bears his soul to hers. It was a turning point in his character arch and he really wanted to nail that scene together. It had also been a turning point in their relationship, if she was honest with herself. Nothing had been the same for her after that. She sat back on the blanket, slowly sipping her wine, watching him sink into the intensity of his monologue, and she just knew. She loved him. And there had been no turning back since then.

After that, they had very few scenes together and Jaime had spent much of his time shooting in Italy. She had felt the distance. So had Jaime, judging from all his texts.

_– Pint @ the Hand? Leaving tomorrow. Last chance to gaze at this devilishly handsome face! ;D –_

_– At the airport. See you in a week, California! xox J –_

_– Tell me ALL ABOUT your scenes with Podrick. Missing me yet? ;) –_

_– Missing your sunny face, bella regazza. Italy is incredibly DULL with you! –_

Her heart jumped every...damn...time. So unprofessional to fall in love with a co-worker. So cliche! She should have sat him down and had it out with him, but there was a part of her that wondered if what she suspected was real. She often caught him on the phone with Cersie, and as many times as it seemed tense, they had also seemed very much in love and she just didn’t know where she stood with him. What she did know was her feelings for him were very real and driving her to distraction. It had become increasingly hard for her to feel relaxed around him, although, to be honest, she always felt more herself with him than she had with anyone else she had met.

She had been through a couple relationships in the last few years that he had teased her about endlessly, but nothing had stuck. Nothing compared to what she had with Jaime, frustratingly platonic as it was. He had nursed her through every break up, he had been there for her when her father had died, talking all through the night over bottles of wine and indian food. He had opened up to her a bit about Cersie but it had been clear that subject was mostly off limits. She had respected his need to keep her separate and he had been grateful. She had come to depend on him and when she allowed herself some space to think about it, as she had more often lately, a very real sadness had set in. In a few weeks, he would be going back to Cersie, and she would be flying home for a short time and then to Northern Canada for a new role in a mini-series. When would they ever get the chance to see each other again? So much of her life had been caught up in this bloody role that she loved so much and her growing friendship with him that she feared the gaping hole it would create in her life.

When they had received their script, it was no surprise to her. It was clear from their storyline it would end up here.

Jaime clearly felt the same.

 _– Are you reading this?? Took them bloody long enough to get here._  
_How shall we do this? Chaste and tight lipped or should he throw her_ _  
_ to the ground and ravish her? Clearly we’ll need to practice... ;)x –

 _– What the hell? Are you saying that she doesn’t know how to kiss or that I don’t?_  
_She’s a maid, not a nun!_ _  
_ If she can run a man through, she can sure as hell kiss one! –

_– She’s probably an excellent kisser, just not sure about...you...hence the practice. ;D –_

_– You know nothing. Hang on tight to your...sword, Kingslayer. –_

_– Well now... Bring it on, California! (lightning emoji)–_

Flirting with him was stupid. She knew it. It was only hurting herself but she couldn’t stop. To her it was as natural as breathing.

So it was no wonder that she walked onto set that day, facing this pivotal scene, a bundle of nerves. He had looked as comfortable and at ease with himself as he always was, and it was clear that this wasn’t phasing him a bit. Her heart had sank, but being the actress she was, she used all her skill to put on a mask. She would bloody well act her way out of this fucking day!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

They fought, they battled, they swung their swords on cue. They had practiced this scene for weeks, sweating it out and falling over each other laughing when the other had missed a step or swung to wide and ended up looking like an idiot. It had been far too much fun to be called work but eventually they had perfected the scene and it was impressive to watch their synchronicity. They were naturals and they played off each other’s energy like a dance.

It’s when they turned to each other, fake snow falling on their eyelashes, breathless, dirty and tired, exhilarated from the fight scene, that he realized he wanted this moment. More than anything. He pulled her close for their kiss...and that’s when the penny dropped for Jaime. That’s when he stopped acting and all his pretences came crashing down. His lips locked onto hers and electricity shot through him like wildfire. She felt it too. He pulled back quickly, lingered over her lips for just a moment, contemplating this new awareness before he pulled her in again and kissed her thoroughly, completely. Like a drowning man coming up for air. The cameras, the lights, the dozens of people standing around watching them, it all disappeared and they clung to each other as if they were each other’s breath and letting go would mean a slow death. He just didn’t want to let her go. Eventually, their lips had to part and they looked at each other in wonder. She had the bluest eyes. You could get lost in them.

Her heart was pounding out of her chest. _This is it_ , she thought. The marker that she would measure everything else by. Every _one_ else. The empty hole was already forming in her chest. She took a big breath and steadied herself.

“Chaste, my ass.”, she whispered shakily. He blinked, his eyes widening.

“CUT!”, the director screamed. “Did you guys go completely off script? A little long on the kiss but that was electric! Nice work! We’re done here.” Everyone on set started clapping and with curt smiles, they turned in opposite directions and left the set.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Fuck!”

Jaime slammed the door to his trailer and leaned against it. He dropped his bag and ran his hands over his face and through his blonde hair. He dropped his fist, hit the door behind him and walked over to the bar, poured himself a whiskey that slopped all over the counter and sat down, running his hands through his hair over and over.

“I’m so fucked.”

He downed his whiskey in two swallows and ran a hot shower, standing under it for a long time.

 _What now?,_ he thought. _What the actual fuck do I do now?_

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Brienne collapsed onto her bed, and stared at the ceiling above her.

“Dammit, Brienne.”, she whispered. Her heart ached. She imagined herself walking into his trailer and locking the door behind them just to see what came next. The thought sent a shiver through her.

“You’re such a fool.”

She touched her lips, closed her eyes and re-lived every second of that kiss. She wanted it burned in her memory. It’s all she would ever have.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

That was last week, and since then Jaime had done his best to act as if his reality hadn’t come crashing down that night. As if his world hadn’t just tipped over and come spilling out. All his plans and dreams and intentions lay like puddles on the floor at her feet. Nothing would be the same. Nothing.

If that hadn’t been hard enough, their last scene together the night before was a death scene. She had been right, of course, he mused. His character died before hers, and in fact, in her arms. She had been devastatingly good. She would break hearts across the world, he was sure of it. It had been all he could do not to reach up and wrap her in his arms as she held him and sobbed above him, her tears hitting his cheek and running down his face. He had tasted the salt of them on his lips later. He wondered if any of those tears had been for him. He had never wanted her more than in that moment.

But here he sat in the Golden Hand, at a table full of people, watching his best friend. The one he was in love with. The one he would say goodbye to tomorrow, perhaps forever.

The song ended, the night was coming to a close. A young woman sat on a stool at the front of the stage and as the lights lowered she started strumming her guitar, a slow sweet melody. Davos offered his hand, and Brienne walked into his arms. He whispered something into her ear and she smiled.

Jaime was lost. Heat rose in his chest. The room buzzed around him but his awareness of it all narrowed and disappeared. Maybe it was the scotch, he thought. All he could do was sit, restless but rooted to his seat, stealing glances at Brienne dancing with Davos. He wondered if this is what he would imagine for the rest of his life. Brienne in the arms of another man. How in the bloody hell did it come to this? It hadn’t been the same since that damn kiss. The place in his life that Cersie use to fill was now a restless void, an ache in his chest, filled with a need so great he wasn’t sure how he was going to watch her walk away tomorrow. He just wanted it back the way it was. Back to when they would laugh and tease and flirt. Back when it was easy. _We don’t get to choose who we love._

_Fuck!_

Without a word to anyone he took the last swallow of scotch, stood up and walked towards the dance floor.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“You alright?”

“I think you might have broken a toe or two, but...”, she grinned.

“You know what I mean, Bri.”

She knew exactly what Davos meant. Brienne had tried to play it cool all night, but she knew he saw the tell-tale signs. It had happened, she told herself, and there was no going back. She could handle this. She would say her goodbyes. Time would pass and this ache in her heart would subside. She would fill her days with work and friends and keep herself busy and by the time she came up for air, Jaime would just be someone she used to know from another life. That was her plan.

“I’m fine, Davos. I’ll be ok.”

“Well, you’re about to find out.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, just as I suspected, he’s heading this way. Seems he couldn’t resist.” Davos smiled mischievously.

“Jaime? Is _that_ what this was about?”, she hissed. “He’s coming over here? Davos!!!” He saw the panic in her eyes. “You devil!”

“I prefer angel.” Davos smiled but put his hand on her cheek. “Talk to him.”

“Oh god, do you think he knows?”

“My dear, I not only think he knows, I think he’s in the same damn boat.”

Brienne looked at him incredulously as Jaime approached.

“Jaime.”

“Davos, do you...mind?” Jaime’s eyes met Brienne’s.

“By all means!” Davos sent Brienne a wink and walked back towards the table. She would kill him later.

“Hey, you.”, Jaime held out his hand, always a gentleman, and Brienne placed hers in it.

“Hey, yourself.”

He folded her soft hand in his, wound his arm around her waist and pulled her close as they fell into a slow sway to the music. Her other hand fell lightly on his shoulder and brushed his neck. A shiver ran through him.

Warmth emminated off her from the dancing. He could smell her perfume and a faint scent of shampoo. _Here_ , he thought. Here is exactly where he wanted to be. Here is where he felt alive. Here is where the other half of his heart lived.

“You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, of course not.” She tried to keep her voice calm but she feared he could hear it tremble.

“It’s just that...well, I don’t believe we’ve danced before. Have we?” Should he lay his cards on the table? Open himself up to her? God, he felt like such an idiot. His green eyes searched for a sign, anything that might tell him she felt the same. “Last chance to gaze into this devilishly handsome face.”

She laughed softly and instead dropped her eyes.

“No, I don’t think we have. Unless you count swinging our swords around.” Trying desperately to keep it light, she swallowed and looked away at the other dancers on the floor. She could smell his cologne mixed with a faint hint of scotch and that warm male scent that was only Jaime. Her senses drank it all in. His touch, his scent, his voice in her ear. She felt dizzy. How did you get drunk on a sound?

The girl on stage started to sing softly, pleadingly, into the mic.

_You know what I wish?_

“No. I’m not counting that.” Jaime smiled. “Brilliant night, huh? Everyone here one last time. Hard to believe it’s all coming to a close.”

_It was just you and me,_

“Yeah, it is...really feels like an ending to something...significant.”

_Sitting in this corner bar,_

“Aye. And now you’re off to Canada. You must be thrilled.”

 _  
_ _You could tell me how your are._

“Right. Yes. I’m really _so_ excited. It’s going to be a great project.”

“You’ll be brilliant. I’m...really happy for you.”

 _But I'm not gonna lie,_ _  
_ _Or anything..._

“Thanks. And you’re working at home in Belfast. Congrats, you. I’m sure that’ll be a relief, you know, closer to Cersie and all. You must miss her.”

He flinched. “Right. Yes, of course. But…”

_You don't even have to speak,_

“I’m going to miss you, Jaime.” She said softly in his ear before she lost her nerve.

_If you keep looking at me._

Jaime closed his eyes, feeling like his heart was carefully being dismantled into pieces. A bit here, a bit there, slowly bleeding out.

“I’ll … miss you too, California.” His voice was gruff. His warm hand pressed on her back, pulling her closer. He breathed in her scent. The girl on stage continued to strum softly.

 _Well I could go all night,_ _  
_ _But they're turning up the lights_

He ran his thumb along her knuckles and cleared his throat. “In fact, I’m uhhh...I don’t quite…”, his voice trailed off.

“Hmmm?” She asked quietly, she was sure he could feel her heart thudding against his chest.

 _It would be so easy,_ _  
_ _Do or say anything_

“I’ve been such an ass, Brienne, such a damn fool.”

She slowly pulled back and met his eyes. They looked so hurt. So haunted. He took her hand and brought it to his chest, directly above his heart. She could feel the wild thudding beneath.

“...because...I don’t…quite…know how to say goodbye to you, Bri.”

 _And I'm not gonna lie_ _  
_ _I'm not looking for love..._

To her astonishment, his eyes reflected back the same ache she herself felt. The years of laughter and friendship, the longing and the love. It was all understood now. She smiled slowly as that empty space started to fill. She brought her hand up to his face and rested it against his cheek. His eyes widened and she wound her arm around his neck, leaned in, resting her cheek against his.

“Maybe just goodnight then.”, she whispered in his ear.

A slow smile spread across his face. He closed his eyes as his heart contracted and he pulled her in close, lips pressed against her neck. He could feel the rhythm of her heart and it matched his perfectly.

 _I won't let you in my heart_ _  
_ _But you were always on my mind_

She would give him time. And then he would come for her.

“Aye, alright then. Goodnight, California.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I enjoy reading the lovely smut that is posted here :) I'm a die-hard romantic. It's all about the buildup. I hope this wasn't too tame for you all. I'm sure a lot of smutty stuff happens afterwards. ;)
> 
> I truly hope you enjoyed reading this. If you did, please leave a comment and let me know what you enjoyed/liked/loved about it. Even what you might NOT like! Your comments absolutely make my day. 
> 
> Thanks all!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you walk away from 15 years?
> 
> Did he honestly think he could just go home, say the words and he’d be free? Hearts don’t work that way. They hang on, they make compromises, they make wagers, they tell you it was just a phase, they tell you things will be better.
> 
> Hearts don’t want to let go.
> 
> ***************************
> 
> A surprise part 2 to this OS.  
> And because this is what I seem to do (haha), if you want to listen to the song, here it is:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sodS3Sv2kY  
> (I do NOT own the rights to the song or lyrics.  
> All rights belong to Hush Kids.) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Jaime sat at the Edinburgh airport, Terminal 3, waiting for his flight that had been, once again, delayed. Frustrated and anxious he sipped his bitter airport coffee, a dry croissant sitting beside him that would go uneaten. 

A little boy with his mother, sat across from him on the seats, staring at his leg that tapped impatiently on the polished floor. His eyes met the little boy’s and he stilled his leg. The little boy grinned and hid his face in his mother’s arm. His mother put her hand on her son’s head and stroked his hair absently as she kept reading her book. 

Something inside tugged at Jaime and he stood up and walked to the window to look out over the tarmac, remembering the last time he was here. 

8 months ago.  

They had said their goodbyes in this very terminal that morning. It hadn’t been at all what he wanted. A quick hug, and kiss on the cheek. A few stolen moments. There had been too many other cast members leaving at the same time to say all the things he wanted to say. 

She had told him not to promise her anything. To go home and do what he felt was best. 

He had told her that was nonsense, that he already knew what he needed to do, and he promised her that he would see her soon. He needed to.

She had only shaken her head sadly. Her face looked strained, scared, pleading with him silently even as her words said the opposite. 

“No calls, no texts. I can’t be a part of that. Only when you know. When you’re sure.”, she had whispered, looking at him intently.

“Brienne, please, I won’t leave you like that.”

“There’s no other way, Jaime.”

She had kissed him on the cheek, lingering long enough that he could smell her perfume and his mouth instinctively moved towards hers. She had put a hand on his chest to stop him and the ache had settled in. It still hadn’t left him. And then with a squeeze of their hands, she turned and walked out of his life.

It hadn’t gone at all as he imagined it would. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

He had quietly opened the door to their apartment. It had been late and he was exhausted. He dropped his keys in the bowl and set his luggage down in the hallway. He had spent most of the day, walking the streets of Old Town, stepping into shops and stepping out again. He walked to Princes Street Gardens and watched the passersby, he watched the pigeons being fed by tourists, he watched the University students walk quickly by, their arms full of books, earbuds plugged into their ears. 

His head ached, his heart ached. He felt a great weight settle on him. He remembered her clear blue eyes as they gazed at him that morning. Full of hope and fear. 

_ God, he missed her.  _

He had to fight everything he had in him to not walk into the airport and find the first flight to LA. Just leave everything behind, only looking forward. But he knew he couldn’t, and he dreaded what he knew he had to do first. How do you say goodbye to 15 years? 

“Is that you, Jaime?”

He had walked into the dining room with a table set for an intimate dinner. Candles, roses … plates of food that had gone cold. Cersie walked out of the bedroom, dressed to match. 

“You’re home so late! I thought your flight was in at 8pm! Why didn’t you text?”

She strode across the room throwing her arms around him and kissed him soundly. 

“I’ve missed you!”

“My flight was delayed...what’s all this?”

“A surprise, darling! I wanted us to have a romantic dinner together. Like we used to.” She became serious, and tugged on his shirt collar. “Do you remember? How things use to be? I thought now that your little show was over, we could celebrate...spend more time together. You could come with me to New York next week!”, she suddenly became animated. “I have a few meetings and a conference, but you could do what you like and meet me for dinner in the evenings. We could see a show. Walk in Central Park. It’ll be fun! What do you say?” 

She looked up at him expectantly, brown eyes sparkling and Jaime’s heart fell. This was the Cersie he had fallen in love with. She was still here. What had happened? He felt Brienne’s presence all around him even as Cersie stared expectantly into his eyes. His chest felt tight, pushing on his lungs. He had a hard time taking a deep breath. 

He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a quick kiss. 

“This is really nice, Cers, but I’m so exhausted. Could I just take a shower and change? I’ll have dinner with you after.”

“Of course, go change! In fact...I could join you…”, she smiled at him suggestively and sidled up to him, pressing herself against him, helping him slide his coat off. 

“As nice as that would be, I’m...I’m just so tired...I’m ready to collapse. Could we...hold off for now?” 

“Sure...yeah…” She stepped away and let him take his shoes off. “I’ll be right here.” She sat on the couch and pulled her legs up under her. His smile was strained as he turned to go.

“Jaime. I’m glad you’re home.”

His heart fell. It hadn’t gone at all as he imagined.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

How do you walk away from 15 years?

Did he honestly think he could just go home, say the words and he’d be free? Hearts don’t work that way. They hang on, they make compromises, they make wagers, they tell you it was just a phase, they tell you things will be better.

Hearts don’t want to let go. 

And so Jaime went to New York with Cersie the following week. It was early spring in the city and it buzzed with energy. They did as she suggested, they met for dinners, they went to shows, they walked in Central Park. They laughed and talked and it almost felt like the beginning. But during the day, while Cersie worked, Jaime wandered the city feeling lost. He walked through museums and art galleries and parks and every time he saw a head of short silvery blonde hair, his heart would stop, and the ache would grow. 

Billboards advertised the last season of their show. A constant reminder of another life. He was even stopped a couple times for an autograph which always took him by surprise. 

He turned a corner and the world stopped. Her face was plastered 3 stories tall on a 5th Avenue billboard. Her blue eyes stared out from the sign, asking the question he couldn’t answer. He stood frozen to the spot. He could feel people passing him on the sidewalk, bumping into him and cursing, but none of that registered in his brain. All he could do was stare as the world started spinning. His heart beating out of his chest, he turned on his heels and fled. He found the nearest park and threw up in the flowers.

_ Are you coming to me, Jaime? _

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Back in Belfast he had gratefully fallen back into work, and Cersie into hers. Their comfortable routine. He was starting a new movie, and he put everything he had into it, tried pushing everything else into the back of his mind. He had a career to work on. He couldn’t think about anything else. 

But nothing would let him forget. Not work, not friends, not Cersie. 

Brienne had said not to contact her, not until he knew, but he didn’t know anything. He felt completely torn in two. So many times during the day he would reach for his phone, intending to text her, just for that thin thread of contact. He needed to hear from her, to know that what he had felt back in the pub that night had been real. He wanted nothing more than to hear her voice in his ear. Her laughter. But so far removed from her, he started to doubt himself, and of course, there was the guilt. He couldn’t do this to Cersie. He couldn’t live in two worlds...missing Brienne...being loyal to Cersie. 

He wasn’t sleeping well and he barely had an appetite. His dreams were filled with her. She was so achingly near then, just beyond the thin veil of sleep. He swore he could smell her skin, feel her hand in his. On those mornings he would wake early and go for long exhausting runs along the river, watching the sun come up, hoping to shake off the heaviness he felt. But that’s when he ached the most. His insides turned upside down, his stomach in knots. When all his energy had been spent and all that was left was the emptiness she had left. There were times it felt like if he spoke her name, she would hear it and answer him. But all he heard was silence.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“So, what are you going to do, brother?”

Jaime sat in a booth at a local pub, across from his brother Tyrion who was sipping his pint, his blue eyes wide and questioning above his glass. Jaime looked out the window at the street outside. Not being able to keep it in any longer, he had told Tyrion everything. 

“Damned if I know.”

“You are damned, that is clear.”

Jaime turned back to Tyrion.

“Unhelpful.”

Tyrion grinned. He never seemed to take life too seriously, but Jaime knew better. Tyrion had been married once but she had left him long ago. He never told Jaime but he had been devastated. Ever since, Tyrion played the eligible bachelor, frequenting clubs, bringing new women by ever so often, but he never let them stay long. Jaime knew Tyrion still loved his wife. Hearts don’t want to let go. 

“There’s no doubt about it, Cersie’s hot but I’ve always wondered what kept you two together.”

“I love her. She loves me.”

“Does she? Or does she love the power she has over you? Honestly, I’ve always thought she was a bit of a bitch…” Tyrion took another long swallow of his beer.

Jaime sent Tyrion a look of warning. “Don’t start.” 

Tyrion and Cersie had never gotten along. His cavalier take on life rankled Cersie and he knew it, playing it up whenever she was around. 

“Look at yourself. You’re a mess. You’re walking a fine line right now, Jaime. You have to decide one way or the other, don’t you think?”

“I know.  _ I know. _ It’s just that since I got back, she’s been...different. More like the Cersie I used to know. I can’t just throw away 15 years. I...owe it to her to try. Don’t I?”

“You owe her nothing. Not anymore. That’s your problem, brother. You’re too damn loyal.”

“And you wouldn’t know anything about that, huh?”

Tyrion suddenly grew serious, a far away look passed over his face as his eyebrows knit together. He knew his brother saw it. He had been waiting for her to come back all this time. Loyalty in the Lannister family ran deep. 

“ _ Idiots... _ ”, Tyrion breathed. “What’s bloody wrong with us Lannisters, huh?” He sighed when he saw the hurt and indecision on Jaime’s face. His brother was going to tear himself into pieces if he kept this up. “Then you have to ring her up and tell her. If you care about her, you can’t keep her waiting.”

A coldness passed through Jaime. His head swam, his breathing shallowed. But there it was. His decision. 

Trust Tyrion to tell it like it is. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Brienne was sitting in her hotel room. It was late. They had just finished their third week of filming and everyone was at Stark’s Bar. They had begged her to join them, but instead she sat on her bed, wine glass in hand, needing some quiet as she bent over next week’s scripts, mostly just looking out over the frozen lake. 

She loved the project and loved the people she was working with. She played a detective in a crime drama, set in the barren north. The eiriness of the cold, silent landscape was also captivatingly beautiful in it’s starkness. It was like nothing she’d ever felt before. So different from the steaming, crowded streets of LA. The town they were filming in was small but close knit. Everyone knew everyone and the cold was juxtaposed by the warmth of the people. The filming crew had been welcomed into the community and they were often treated to home cooked meals, volunteers that helped out on set and tours of the surrounding area. 

The land was remote, set in the boreal where deep forests of conifer green lined pristine, ice-covered lakes. It was late spring and wildlife was everywhere, although hardly ever seen. If you were quiet and patient, you could catch a glimpse of elk or moose. If you listened quietly at night, you could hear the wolves howling to their pack in the distance. With summer approaching, bears were seen wandering through town, hungry and cranky. You constantly had to be on the lookout. Eagles and hawks soared overhead, rabbits were regularly seen hiding under bushes looking for roots and new spring greens, and the foxes scavenged for rabbits . Brienne was captivated by it all. There were times that it kept her memories at bay, where the uniqueness of the people and place filled up her days and she felt the heaviness lift a little. But at night, when everything grew quiet, her mind slipped back to Edinburgh. And Jaime. 

It had been 2 months and there had been no word from him. She had told him not to contact her until he was sure, but as the weeks passed, her resolve began to slip. God, she missed him! She ached for him, his teasing green eyes on her, his laugh, his smile,  _ god! _ ...his lips on her neck. She tried not to imagine him with Cersie, in his arms, in his bed. It took all she had not to send him a quick text.  _ Hey you! How’s Belfast? (Do you still want me like I want you?)  _ Her head knew he needed time, her heart begged his to come back to her. 

She closed her eyes and let the impulse pass, taking a long sip of wine. She knew she couldn’t contact him. But any more of this wine and she wouldn’t have the strength to stop herself. 

Her phone pinged.

_ – California? You there? – _

Her heart jumped into her throat, fell back into her chest and started beating wildly. Had he heard her? She laughed at the thought and grabbed her phone to answer, but then stopped herself. She didn’t want to look like she had been clutching it, waiting for his call.  _ Patience, Brienne. _ She would give it 10 minutes and answer. The seconds ticked by, her heart still doing a dance in her chest. This was it. He was coming for her. She knew it. 

Eight minutes passed and it’s all she could bare. 

_ – Hey you! Yes. I’m here. Where else would I be? – (Waiting for you, you idiot…) _

She saw him replying right away. 

_ – Are you busy? Can I call? – _

_ – Of course! – _

Seconds ticked by. 

_ – I’ve missed you. – _

More seconds ticked by and she saw nothing. 

Then…

_ – I have too. More than you know. – _

Her heart soared.  _ He missed her!  _ She waited for him to call, pacing the room, her energy suddenly at a peak, as though she’s just downed a double espresso. She chided herself. She was acting like a teenager about to go on her first date. It took another 5 minutes before her phone rang. 

“Jaime!”, she answered it breathlessly. 

“Hey, California.” Despite himself, he couldn’t help but smile. It was so damn good to hear her voice. “How have you been? How’s filming up there? Any epic sword fights?”

She laughed out loud. God lord,  _ his voice _ . How she had missed the bloody sound of his deep voice in her ear. But, there was something about it. It wasn’t the excited rush of words that she felt. It was still, calm. Controlled.

“None at all in fact! It’s a complete and utter disaster.” She laughed again and the sound was like life to his thirsty ears. “I’m...I’m good. I’m great! I think the show is going to be amazing. I’m really proud of it. Jaime, you need to see this place! It’s just so surreal. So spectacular. And so bloody cold!”, she laughed nervously.  _ Shut up, Brienne!  _ “But the people are wonderful, really warm and inviting. I wish you could see it. How...How are you?”

_ Come to me! _ she begged. He could hear it too and it shattered him. The sound of her voice transported him back to that night, when they said goodnight, not goodbye.  _ Fucking hell! Was he making the right choice? _

“It sounds brilliant, Bri. How could it not be a success with you in it? I really wish I could see it … with you.”

That stopped her cold. She waited for him to say,  _ Can’t yet. In a little while. I’ll see you soon, though. _ But he didn’t. And then she knew...he wasn’t coming for her. 

“But you won’t, will you?” Her voice was quiet, flat, like the life had slipped out from it. He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hand. He felt panic rise in his throat.  _ Just do it, man, and be done with it! _

“Brienne...I can’t. I’m so goddamn sorry. Let me explain…”

“No need.”, she cut him off. “No need. I understand. Truly, I do.” She felt a wave rising up in her and she needed to get off the line before he heard her fall to pieces. 

“Bri, please...please let me talk to you. God, I’ve missed you...so much. I miss your voice. I need you to know…” He needed to keep her on the line. He needed her to understand. The panic rose in his chest. 

“Jaime, please don’t. Maybe one day. But not now. I can’t hear it. Not now. I...need to go.” 

She heard a sound on the other end of the phone, like a gasp, so close to her ear, so close to her heart. It ripped right through her chest and she sank to the floor, leaning on her bed.  _ What the hell are you doing, Jamie?? _

“ _ California… _ ” His voice was only a whisper.

“Take care of yourself for me. Ok?” She couldn’t keep a sob from escaping. “Bye, Jamie.” 

She turned off her phone and let it slip from her fingers. She felt herself buzzing, her breath coming rapidly. She would not let herself fall. She knew if she did she would never get back up again. Leaving her phone lying on the floor, she pulled herself to her feet, grabbed her jacket and left the room. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jaime sat lifeless, listening to the silence ringing in his ears. That thin line of connection that had ran all the way across the Atlantic, across a vast country, up to the cold north, to where her phone had rested on her ear, now lay as silent as her dark hotel room.

“Goodbye, California.”

That night, Jaime went for a long run down along the river, all the way to Tyrion’s flat on the other side of the city. Tyrion let him in where he then continued to drink his way into oblivion, finishing half a bottle of scotch before he passed out on Tyrion’s couch. 

“Idiot.” 

Tyrion covered him with a blanket, set a large glass of water beside him and went to bed.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“ _ Brienne! _ ”

The bar was crowded on a Friday night and she pushed her way into the warm room as her cast mates waved her over, already well into their cups and laughing with a group of locals who had joined them. She sat at an empty chair, feeling the emptiness open up inside her, even as they introduced themselves and poured her a pint. She downed it quickly and asked for another. 

A large man appeared at their table, pint in hand, and pulled out the chair next to her. He sat down and with a grin, turned to her and asked her name. 

“Brienne. Hi.” She tried to sound as normal and pleasant as possible, protecting her fragile frame as he leaned in to hear her, feeling that if anything bumped against her, she might shatter and break wide open.

His blue eyes sparkled as he watched her for a moment, taking her in.

“Nice to meet you, Brienne. I’m Tormund.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jaime left Tyrion’s flat the next day and as if on autopilot, threw himself fully into his work once again. The summer passed in a blur. Cersie continued on as normal, as if she couldn’t see that Jaime was keeping it together a little too tightly. He ate little, slept fitfully, woke early to go for long runs, cleaned the flat meticulously, stayed late at the studio, only to arrive home long after she had gone to bed, finding him already gone in the morning when she woke. In truth, he was falling apart in front of her eyes and she didn’t see it. Or perhaps, he thought, she chose not to see it. 

Life had lost its colour. It was week after endless week of grey. Filming ended in a month and he had already been offered another couple projects, but they ran simultaneously. One in Ireland, one in Scotland. One would take him away from Cersie, one would keep him here. He hadn’t been able to give either of them an answer yet but he knew he would have to choose. 

One fall morning over coffee, he watched her from across the kitchen while she poured over the newspaper before a meeting. All her concentration was on the business section. He had once loved seeing her work, admired her focus and drive. She suddenly looked up and noticed him watching her. She smiled weakly, and took a sip from her mug. 

“What is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You look like you want to ask me something.”

“Oh. Do I?”

“If you do, make it quick. I have a meeting in thirty.” She folded the paper, took another sip from her coffee and poured the rest in the sink. His eyes followed her around the flat as she pulled her things together...her coat, purse, keys.

“Do you want children someday? Because...”

Cersie stopped dead and turned to him. 

“Are you mad? Are feeling well? Really, are you ill? No, of course not. I thought we talked about this long ago, my love. Children would ruin everything. You know that.”

She walked over to him, kissed him quickly on the cheek and turned to go. 

“Remember, I have a dinner tonight. I’ll be home late. Don’t wait up. Ta!”

She swirled out of the door, and she was gone.

“...because I might.”, he said to the empty room. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Come out with me tonight. We haven’t really talked since you showed up on my door in the wee hours, got right pissed, and vanished again.”

“No.”

“Jaime, you’re wearing yourself thin, you need a night out. Some fun. There’s a great place I’ve been going to, you’ll love it.”

“That has been the premise of many an evening with you that turned into a night of shame and regret. No thanks.”

“Just a few drinks, that’s all. I promise. No girls, no indulgence, just a night out with your brother. You’re moping. I’m not going to take no for an answer.”

“No.”

“Come on! Just one drink. Honest.”

“NO!”

“I’ll pick you up at 8. See you then.”

“Yeah. See ya.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was a cozy cocktail bar with dark corners and tiny lamps that illuminated the tables. Perfect for private conversations and secret trysts. He could see why Tyrion liked it. Jaime and Tyrion ordered drinks from the bar and found a corner table. Tyrion took his time eyeing Jaime before Jaime finally told him to just ask. 

“Ask what?”

“What you’re dying to ask me. Just ask and I’ll tell you to bugger off and then we can talk about something else.”

“Like Cersie?”

“I’m not talking about that either.”

Tyrion let it go and talked about the latest girl in his life, someone named Shae, and as he spoke, Jaime saw a vulnerability in him that he hadn’t seen for quite some time. Tyrion really liked this girl.  _ Good for him _ , he thought. Someone deserved to be happy. 

Tyrion excused himself and disappeared into the back of the bar. Jaime sat and stared thoughtfully into his drink. What  _ was _ he doing? Was this all there was for him? Endless work and lonely nights? He closed his eyes and saw her face. Her blue eyes wide, looking back at him as she danced in his arms on a night very much like this one. He could smell her perfume and feel her soft skin under his fingers. The despair he had been holding at bay started to creep up on him and he knew he couldn’t stay. He had to keep moving. She always came to him like this, in those slow, quiet moments.

He walked to the bar to pay their bill and leave a message for Tyrion when something caught his eye. A familiar profile, something in the way she held her drink. He walked closer and the bottom came crashing out. It was Cersie, curled up in a small booth, a martini in one hand, the other wound around the neck of a man in a very expensive suit. They spoke to each other in hushed whispers and he saw her throw her head back and laugh seductively. The man traced a lazy finger up her bare arm, and ran his thumb over her bottom lip. 

Just then Tyrion reappeared from the men’s room.

“Jaime! Are we leaving so soon?”

Cersie’s head swung around at the sound of his name and their eyes met. Guilt and fear washed over her features and the man in the suit asked her what was wrong. She ignored him as she watched Jaime’s face turn from shock to anger to understanding. Without a word, he turned and walked out the door, Tyrion following behind him. 

Jaime turned on him angrily. 

“Did you know? Is that why we’re here? You set me up!”

Tyrion stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. 

“I saw them here a couple weeks ago, then again last week on the same night. You needed to know, but you needed to see it for yourself. I’m sorry, brother.”

Jaime paced the sidewalk as Cersie burst through the door and stopped dead when she saw Jaime and Tyrion. She glared at Tyrion as he smirked and shrugged his shoulders again. 

“Jaime, please, darling, let me explain. He’s just a partner that we’re wining and dining, you know how these things go….”

“Stop. I don’t want to hear it. You might as well go back in, because we’re done.”

“What? Jaime, dearest, please, just listen to reason…”

Jaime held up a hand to stop her protests and hailed a cab. 

“Wait! Jaime, where do you think you’re going?”, Cersie hissed angrily.

“Scotland.” He got into the cab and drove away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Two months filming in Scotland went too quickly. The relief of losing himself in his role had only been momentary and his initial anger and bitterness at Cersie had been replaced with despondency. Those first few days she had called him endlessly, leaving messages begging him to come back. But when he didn’t respond her messages grew angrier and more venomous.

Finally he had answered her call late one night and had it out with her. She hurled every kind of insult at him for walking out on her while he calmly listened, keenly aware of the hypocrasy of her words. He had been the loyal one. Always there for her when she needed him. He had been the one who had sacrificed so much of what he wanted, to be with her. He had given up the one true and real thing in his life for her, and she had betrayed him. He had rolled the dice and lost. He waited until Cersie had expended herself and dissolved into tears. 

“But  _ Jaime!! You know that I love you! _ ”

“The thing is, Cers, I don’t believe you anymore.”

And with that, he hung up. 

He felt battered and bruised and empty. Set adrift. He was contacted for new roles but he turned them all down, rented a small car and drove into the Highlands, hoping to get lost. Hoping to find himself again. Instead, he found Brienne, as he knew he would. Everything reminded him of her. He walked the hills and meadows and forests they had walked together over countless weeks of shooting and she filled his senses in a way that he hadn’t felt since she had walked out of his life so many months ago.

He drove back to Edinburgh, booked himself into a hotel and found himself wandering down to the Grassmarket and the Golden Hand. He had been avoiding it, the memories too painful to revisit. Could he go back to her, the wreck that he was now? He had hurt her with his indecision. Was he  _ that _ guy who ran back to another after a bad breakup? She was more than a rebound, she deserved more that, deserved more than what he was now. He couldn’t risk breaking her heart again.

The pub was full but he found a small empty table in the corner. He sat, alone with his scotch, watching the table by the window that used to be theirs, now full of happy strangers, and the memories came flooding back. Her smiling face that night, the way she had nervously run her fingers through her short blonde hair, her laughter floating above the noise of the pub. The way she felt in his arms that night on the dance floor, her voice in his ear, her breath on his neck. That night they said goodnight, not goodbye. It seemed like a lifetime ago and only yesterday.

The deep ache he had pushed down for so long, the one that started that night and had never ended, came back to him like a flood. He needed her. Like his lungs needed air. He had been right. Nothing was ever the same after her. He was sure of that now. The question was, did she still want him?

_ – Brienne, can we talk? –  _

He waited seconds and the text came back, undelivered. His pulse quickened. He tried again.

_ – California? It’s me. It’s over, Cersie and me. We’re done. I made a mistake. It’s you I love. Please answer. –  _

Again it came back, undelivered. A jolt of panic hit him. He called her number and a voice came on the line.

_ “The number you have called is not in service. Please hang up and try your call again.” _

He looked down at his phone, not understanding. He checked the number to make sure it was the right one. But even as he did that, he knew what the answer would be. His head started pounding. 

_ She had changed her number. _

He took deep breaths as he walked back to his hotel. He wouldn’t panic. He would just find her. He called up the production company he knew she was working with. They would know how to contact her. After being transferred 3 times they told him that they could not give out her number.

Was she still working in Canada? They couldn’t say.

Was she still working with them? They couldn’t say.

Was there anything they could tell him to help him find her? They were sorry but there was nothing they could do. 

_ Dammit! _

He tried calling up some of their friends from the cast. No one had heard from her in months. Why was he calling? Was she ok? That’s when the panic really started to set in for Jaime. Someone HAD to know where she was! 

He called the production company again and took a different tack. A few white lies later, he had the name of her manager and this time he was honest.

“It’s Jaime Lannister. I’m a friend of Brienne Tarth, I’m just trying to get a hold of her but she must have changed her number.”

“Mr. Lannister, yes, I know who you are.”, said the female voice.

“Please.  _ Please. _ I really need to speak to her.”

“You know I can’t give you her number.”

“But you know who I am.”

“I do…”

“And you have her number.”

“Yes, of course I do….”

Jaime sunk in relief. 

“...but I can’t give that to you.”

“Is she ok? Have you spoken to her?”

“Not for a while, unfortunately, but yes, she was fine the last time we spoke.”

He closed his eyes in relief and the panic abated slightly. His voice softened.

“Could you give her a message from me? Please.” 

“I’m not a messenger, Mr. Lannister.”

“Yes, I understand that, but…” He heard a deep sigh on the other end of line.

“What I can tell you is that filming has ended.”

“So she’s home, back in LA?”

“No.”

“What do you mean? For the love of god can you at least tell me where she is?”

She must have heard the desperation in his voice.

“She hasn’t left.”

“Left. Left Canada?”

“Precisely.”

“She’s still there? But why?”

“Good luck, Mr. Lannister.” And he heard a click on the end of the line. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jaime walked out from the cold into the warm atmosphere of the bar. He had booked a flight immediately and it had taken him a good day and a half to get there, 2 commercial flights and a small charter plane to get to the small town in the north of Canada. He had been advised to pick up a winter coat and boots because his thin jacket and sneakers were not going to be enough where he was going. 

Exhausted, he had hired someone from the airport to drive him to the local hotel, where he was told that Brienne had checked out quite a while ago. She was still in town, though, the starry-eyed young girl told him at the reception desk. She suggested asking around at Stark’s Bar, just down the road. 

The bar was crowded and dim, smelling of warm bodies and beer. Small white lights hung from the ceiling and the room was filled with the sound of clinking glasses and happy chatter. In the back of the room was a small stage where a man sat with a guitar singing, a crowd gathered around him. 

Jaime walked to the bar where the only seats in the room were free. He sat on one as the bartender caught his eye and walked over to him. 

“Hey, man. What’ll you have?”

“Scotch on the rocks. Please.”

“Sure thing.” 

Jaime looked around the bar, his nerves on edge. She could be here but he would have a hell of a time navigating his way around the room to look for her. The song ended to a smattering of applause.  _ What the hell was she still doing here? _

“You new around here?” The bartender set his scotch down in front of him. 

“Just visiting.” He picked up his scotch and took a quick sip. “Actually, I’m looking for someone. Have you seen this woman...at the bar, or around town? She was working here.” Jaime pulled out his phone, pulled up a photo of Brienne and showed it to the bartender. The bartender squinted at the screen and his eyebrows pulled together. 

“And you are...?” The bartender picked up a glass and started drying it, watching Jaime closely. 

“I’m just a friend.”

“If you’re a friend, why wouldn’t the lady give you her number?”

“I  _ did _ have it, but we lost contact with each other.” Jaime was becoming impatient with this line of questioning. “Look, we’re old friends, we just haven’t seen each other in a while. I heard she was filming here and I thought I’d look her up. I’m not a creep or anything.”

“But you came all this way to find her.”

“I did, yes.”

The bartender just stood on the other side of the bar, drying his glass, and looking Jaime over. In the background Jaime heard the musician over the mic.

_ “...so tonight I’d like to invite a very special friend up on stage with me. Let’s show her some love, folks!” _

“Do you know her, or not?” Jaime asked the bartender impatiently. 

“Oh, I know her.” 

The bartender tilted his head to the back of the room. Confused, Jaime looked through the crowd, his heart now starting to race.  _ She was here? _ He scanned the crowd but he didn’t see her bright blonde head. He turned back to the bartender to ask what he meant when the woman walking onto the stage caught his attention. 

_ Brienne.  _

His voice caught in his throat. The stage lights shone down on her, making her hair glow like a halo around her head. It had grown now, down to her shoulders in waves of light. She wore a long v-necked sweater and skinny jeans, tall boots and she held a guitar in her hands. His hungry eyes drank her in. She had never looked so beautiful. Brienne walked onto stage with a shy smile on her face, eyes shining, and she sat down on the stool beside the musician. He was a large man, full head of red hair that extended down to a fierce red beard. He grinned at her and yelled at the crowd.

_ “Isn’t she a beauty? Give it up for Brienne Tarth!”  _

The crowd clapped and some of them wolf whistled and called her name. _What the hell?_ Jaime looked around the room, stunned. _What was she doing?_ _She doesn’t play guitar?_

She grinned back at the red-haired man and then looked shyly out to the crowd. 

“This really is a first for me. I wrote this one myself. “, she said with a sheepish look on her face. “I hope you all like it.”

The room quieted, the red-haired man counted the beats in and they started strumming a soft melody. Then she did something that made the hairs on Jaime’s arms stand up. She moved closer to the mic, closed her eyes, opened her mouth and started singing with a sweet, clear voice. 

_It's just a turn on this winding road that I've been taking_ __  
_I'll take my time, after all, it is mine, don't feel forsaken_ _  
_____I'll fix my eyes to the white lines tonight, I won't be shaken

_ So I'll say... _ __  
  


The man with the flaming red hair joined in with her and the blending of their voices was pure magic. He was transfixed. __  
__  
_Goodbye blue eyes, goodbye rain_ __  
_Hello sunshine, goodbye pain_ __  
_Goodbye rain_ _  
_ __Goodbye

She had said this was her song. Jaime’s hope fell.

“She’s pretty good, huh?”

The bartender was studying Jaime’s crestfallen face as he sat rooted to his stool. Jaime nodded, his eyes never leaving the stage. She smiled at him, the red-haired man, but only because Jaime knew her so well did he see her face fall slightly as she closed her eyes and kept singing.

He had broken her heart. 

It all became clear. Here she was, hidden away in the cold north, doing everything she could to mend it. He had no right to be here. With every word she sang, his dream of her melted away.

_ You were a rose and just like the story goes, you left me bleeding _ __  
_ I let you be my anchor, we sank into the deep and we stopped breathing _ __  
_ Found me washed upon the shore of the dream that is no more _ __  
_ I stopped believing _ __  
  


_So I'll say_ __  
__  
_Goodbye blue eyes, goodbye rain_ __  
_Hello sunshine, goodbye pain_ __  
_Goodbye rain_ _  
_____Goodbye

He was too late. 

She had moved on without him and found happiness. What did he expect, that she would have waited for him without a hope that he would change his mind?

__  
_Goodbye blue eyes, goodbye rain_ __  
_Hello sunshine, goodbye pain_ __  
_Goodbye blue eyes, goodbye rain_ __  
_Goodbye rain_ __  
_Goodbye rain_ _  
_____Goodbye

The song ended and he watched her grin and laugh and blush as the crowd cheered and whistled. The red-haired man took her hand in his and kissed it, smiling at her as if she was the sun and everything circled around her. He knew that feeling exactly. He also knew that if he didn’t walk out of here now, he would walk onto that stage and wipe the smile off the red-haired man’s face.

Shame washed over him and he cursed himself for his stupidity. How could he have ever doubted himself? Doubted her? This is where his heart belonged and he hadn’t trusted it. There’s no way he could confront her now and ruin her happiness. And she looked happy, comfortable, as if she had found her home. And a new man. And he was now an outsider. He didn’t belong in her life anymore. With one last look at her radiant face, he stood from his stool. 

_ Goodbye, California.  _

He threw money onto the bar and turned to leave.

“Hey! Hey, where are you going? Do you want me to tell her you were here?”

“No. Don’t. Please.” 

He had lost her. He felt the swelling of emotion moving up his chest. He pushed his way out of the room and pulled the door open to the bitter cold. It was like a slap in the face, which is exactly what he needed.  _ Keep it together, Lannister! _ He looked around the parking lot trying to figure out in which direction the airport was. He would wait there for the next plane out of here. He stuck his hands in his coat and started walking, gulping in large amounts of cold air, trying desperately to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

_ “JAIME!!!” _

Her voice rang in the clear air and shook him to his feet. He stopped in his tracks, closing his eyes as his heart hammered in his chest. The bartender must have told her.  _ Damn him! _ He slowly turned around to see her standing across from him, coat hurriedly thrown around her shoulders. 

“ _ Jaime _ ...” 

Her breath formed clouds of vapour, blue eyes wide, her smiling face transformed into mask of disbelief.

“Hi California.” Jaime smiled sadly, his voice choked. 

“It’s...really you.”

“It’s really me.”

“What… Jaime, what are you doing here?”

“I tried to call you but I couldn’t get through and when I called the production company, they wouldn’t give me your number, and…” His voice faltered. “I had to see you.” 

Brienne just stood and stared at him, a hundred different emotions playing over her face as they stood under a dark sky, full of stars, the world quiet except for the distant strains of the bar music playing in the background. 

“Why did you change your number?”

Brienne could only stand and stare. The stillness broke when the door to the bar shot open and the red-haired man came running out, searching for Brienne and calling her name. He stopped dead when he saw them. He shoved his hands into his pockets and straightened up. 

“Brienne? You ok?” He glared at Jaime as he asked.

She glanced nervously at Jaime.

“Please, will you wait? I need to…”, she gestured to the door. Jaime nodded and Brienne took the red-haired man’s arm and walked him back towards the door. They stopped and had a animated conversation as Jaime watched them from a distance, jealousy raging through him as he pulled his coat tighter around himself. Eventually the red-haired man turned and went back into the bar, glancing back at Jaime once more with a look that could melt him if he wasn’t already so bloody cold. Brienne turned and walked back to Jaime, her face red and distressed. 

She stood in front of him, studying his face, not believing he was standing there in front of her.

Jaime watched her blue eyes staring back at him, trying to find a hint of what she might be thinking or feeling.  _ Do you still want me? Have I destroyed this? _

“Who was that?”, Jaime finally asked, not able to keep the iciness out of his voice.

“A friend. Tormund.”

“I think he’d like to be more than that.”

Her face hardened slightly. “He’s been teaching me to play.”

“I see.” Jaime’s gaze never left her face and his voice softened. “You were brilliant in there. I didn’t know you could sing like that.”

Brienne blushed and looked down at her feet.

“What are you doing here, Jaime? When we talked on the phone you said...” 

“What are  _ you _ still doing here, Brienne? Filming ended months ago.”

Brienne pulled her jacket closer around herself. She could feel the cold seeping into the tips of her boots.

“Do you love him?” God, he hated how he sounded, like a jealous ex who had no right to ask. 

Brienne’s eyes flicked back up at Jaime with surprise.

She huffed with disbelief, her breath sending puffs of vapour into the dark night and then disappearing. “I just needed some time for myself, Jaime. I’ve rented a cabin just up the way. I’m staying for the winter.” 

It was like a punch to the gut. Jaime pinched his lips together and just nodded. He understood. He had hurt her and she had needed to be as far away from him as she could. Out of reach. Did she hate him now? Had she healed enough to sent him away?

“Where were you going...just now? Were you...leaving?” Jaime heard a note of hurt and anger in her voice. 

He looked down and shifted on his feet, his new boots crunching in the snow beneath him. He looked up into her beautiful blue eyes...those eyes that he had come all this way for. He might as well tell her what was on his heart. He had done it once before, he could do it again. There was no running away now. 

“I’ve been a damned fool, Brienne. I’ve made so many mistakes. I thought I owed something to Cersie, to all the years we had been together. I had to try, god knows I tried, but it wasn’t right. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and when I did, I only dreamt of you.” She looked visibly shaken at that but he couldn’t stop himself. Everything he had been holding back for the last 8 months poured out of him. 

“My life has been so...small...since you left. I couldn’t breathe knowing that I might never see you again...I don’t know...then you ...you took me by surprise in there, I didn’t...”. God, the words wouldn’t come out right. “I needed to see you, to talk to you, but you looked … happy, Brienne. You looked  _ so _ happy.” His face fell and he looked away to compose himself. “I thought maybe coming here was another mistake. I thought if I just left then you could…” 

Brienne’s still face crumpled and her eyes welled up.

“Then I could what? Live out the rest of my life happily, knowing that the one man I measure against all others just walked out of my life…again?”

Jaime felt stricken. His throat was tight with emotion.  _ Could she possibly still want him? _

“Nothing has felt right since you, California. I love you. I will always love you. There is no one else for me but you.”

The world froze for a moment before she closed the distance between them and threw her arms around his neck, her coat falling to the ground. She clung to him and tucked her face into his warm neck, breathing him in deeply, filling her senses, finally allowing herself to believe he was here, in front of her, saying all the things she had longed to hear.  _ Bloody hell, she had missed him!  _

“ _ Jaime. _ ”, she whispered into his neck.

It’s all he needed. He clung to her, tears falling freely. 

“I’m so sorry, California.”, he choked out, kissing her neck and then her cheeks as she pulled herself away to look into his glassy green eyes. “I’m not too late?”

She looked into his face and saw the same pain she had been feeling. That bottomless fear that nothing would be the same if he wasn’t with her. 

She smiled at him and shook her head through the tears. “No more goodbyes.”

He took in her words and his world filled up again.  _ Here _ , he thought. Here is exactly where he wanted to be. Here is where he felt alive. He picked up her jacket, put it around her shoulders and with it, drew her body against his. Their breath mingled in the cold air between them.

“Aye, no more goodbyes.”

He brushed her lips lightly with his, sending shivers through her. She leaned away, unzipped his jacket and wound her arms around his warm torso, their bodies pressed against each other from chest to knee. She felt his need for her and she pressed herself into him further, forcing a groan from him. His hand slid down her back, cupping her and pulling her against his sudden arousal. Their lips met with equal parts desire as they clung to each other hungrily, touching and tasting, exploring the other fully for the first time. His teeth caught her lower lip and his tongue slipped languidly into her mouth, meeting hers and exploring, then meeting again, sending waves of heat coursing through them despite the crackling chill in the air as the dark night quieted and closed in around them.  

No, nothing would be the same again.

She felt him shiver.

“It’s cold.”, she whispered. Her voice shaking. “Come with me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Out of respect (because the storyline is just too damn close) I had to leave out anything too salacious.  
> I hope it was a good conclusion anyway!
> 
> As always, I love hearing what you think! 
> 
> 1 week folks! We made it! YES!!! I fully expect a few Jaime/Brienne moments. Enjoy every minute of it. We've earned it. <3


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